Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

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Flat Capper
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 06 Apr 2020, 12:11

An old Bernard Manning one here:

Two women working on adjacent checkouts at Tesco's are discussing men when the older lady says to the younger one., "you can always tell the married men".

Young lass is intregued and asks how.

"I'll show you!" boastly claims the older lady.

Next male customer's shopping comes down the line and consists of 1 tin of soup, 2 meals for one, 1 apple and a tin of beans. The old lass says to him, "your single aren't you?"

The slightly perplexed man responds with, "why do think that, is it because I'm buy single items?"

"No," proclaims the old lass, "it's because you're an ugly c*$%"
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 08 Apr 2020, 11:47

Nail Salons - Closed

Lash Salons - Closed

Hair Salons - Closed

Tanning Salons - Closed

Waxing Salons - Closed

It's about to get UGLY out there Lads, so please stay safe !!!!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by baldtiger » 09 Apr 2020, 12:45

Went to Fev baths , big mistake all had flat caps an bar of soap in there hand . All squashed into the shallow end !
Didn't want to stand out so joined em .
Ayup said said one of em you dont know where the toilet is do you ,
I said no its me first time here mate but if you just go up the deep end nobody will know .
No chance I tried that last week n nearly drowned .
How come ?
Well I went up the deep end am half way though have a pee when life guard blew his whistle that hard
I nearly fell in !!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 09 Apr 2020, 13:13

An Englishman, Welshman and a Pakistani congregate in their local maternity ward to pick up their new born sons.

The doctor comes into the waiting room with news that there has been a mix up with the new borns and cannot say with any certainty whose son is whose.

You would expect in this day and age you would expect that the fathers would demand a DNA test to establish paternity, but, this being a joke ! ...……….the 3 men decide to sort it out between them !!

So, the Englishman goes in first (as is his right, but in strict alphabetical order at the very least !!!!), to have the first dibs on what he thinks is his son but emerges with what is clearly even under the trained eye, the Pakistani child !

The Pakistani Father says as much and which the Englishman says, "Look mate, one of those other babies in there is Welsh and I aren't taking any chances !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 09 Apr 2020, 16:10

Here's another old Bernard Manning joke:-

Bloke walked into a pub with a crocodile and a mallet.

The landlord says you need to take the crocodile out of my pub as you are upsetting my regulars.

The bloke says well this crocodile does tricks and without further ado the bloke opens the crocodile's mouth and slips his dick inside the crocodile's mouth and takes the mallet and hits the crocodile hard on it's head ! The crocodile doesn't flinch with its mouth still wide open.

The landlord and the regulars are amazed and the landlord says "you've got some bottle to do that" !

So the bloke says, "Yeah I told you it was good, does anyone want to try this for £50" ??

This little old woman amongst the regulars steps up and says, "I will try it, but please don't hit me on the F..king head as hard as you hit that Crocodile" !!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 19 Apr 2020, 11:29

Come on Guys ! I started this topic off to put some of the serious posted topics and current issues on the back burner so I hope you can add some jokes !

Here's one for today:-

Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse are in Marriage Guidance.

The Marriage Guidance Counsellor says to Mickey, "You can't Divorce Mini just because she has Bad Teeth" !

Mickey said, " I didn't say that at all, I said she was F.ck.ng Goofy" !!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 20 Apr 2020, 09:14

The only way for a couple to have an "afternoon quickie" in Lockdown with their 8 year old son around was to send him out on the balcony with a mars bar to eat and tell him to take his time eating it and also to shout through any reports on any activity in the street.

So while having their quickie, their son started shouting out reports to them.

"An Ambulance has just gone by"

"The Andersons have just had a delivery from Asda"

"Matty is on his Bike"

"Looks like the Sanders have gone into full lockdown"

"Harrison's mum is telling him off"

After a few seconds, he announced "The Coopers are Shagging"

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed and Dad called out, "How Do You Know That" ?

His son responded, "Jimmy Cooper's on the balcony eating a Mars Bar" !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 20 Apr 2020, 21:43

Women can be confusing.

Earlier the wife said she'd had enough and made me pack my bags and leave. As I was leaving she thought she'd have one final dig, "hope you have a long, slow death!"

I just shook my head, turned around saying, "make your mind up!"
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 May 2020, 18:07

After all these weeks of Lockdown and you and the wife have finally decided to throw the towel in and she has decided to leave you, make sure her bags are packed and book the taxi for 8pm on a Thursday so it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her !!!!!! :lol: :lol:

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by baldtiger » 04 May 2020, 10:32

Am sat reading a newspaper when the wife smacked over the head with a rolled up magazine !
Whats that for I said , av found a note in your jacket pocket with lusty lulu written on it.
Jesus love that was the name of the horse that won last week , I bought you some flowers out of me winnings remember.
Oh am so sorry !
Few days later she hit me again this time with a frying pan , knocked me out cold !
When I came too I said what was that for .
She says your f****** horse rang ! lol

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 11 May 2020, 20:15

So, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are to "STAY AT HOME! !!

Sounds more like the Football World Cup Finals to me !!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 12 May 2020, 14:02

A Bloke gets admitted to one of the new Nightingale Hospitals and he's the only one in the room and has a phone by his bedside.
He's been unconscious and wakes up and doesn't know where he is and what is going on.
The phone rings and he picks it up and a voice says that he is his doctor.
The Doctor proceeds to tell him some bad news which is that He has Covid 19 and that they have also found out under a full test that he has Aids, Hepatitis and to top it all he has the Ebola Virus also !
The Doctor explains that with all these symptoms they are having to put him on a Pizza Diet as part of the treatment !
The Bloke says, "Pizza Diet ? is that going to help and cure me" ???
The Doctor says, Not Really, but it's only what we can FIT UNDER THE DOOR !!
:dance: :dance:

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Ken Smith » 15 May 2021, 10:07

This isn’t a joke but in fact a true story I heard on Sky Arts TV on gardening which made me laugh:-

A lady saw a hedgehog in her garden trying to mate with a scrubbing brush. Apparently the male hedgehog had just woken up from his hibernation and may have still been a bit drowsy and assumed that the scrubbing brush was a female hedgehog still in hibernation. It crossed my mind that it might be a good advert with words “He should have gone to Specsavers”.

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 15 May 2021, 10:48

Lol.

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