Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

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tigerfeat
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 03 Apr 2020, 12:11

Another Bernard Manning one...
Quasimodo was running down the street with 12 kids chasing after him ...Ffs how many times do I have to tell you I've not got your football
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 13:04

tigerfeat wrote: 03 Apr 2020, 12:11 Another Bernard Manning one...
Quasimodo was running down the street with 12 kids chasing after him ...Ffs how many times do I have to tell you I've not got your football
Watch out Tiger Feat - Notts Tiger might pull you for not being politically correct in taking the Mick out of humpbacks !!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Scoopage » 03 Apr 2020, 13:08

What’s pink and fluffy and not moved for 29 years?

Freddie Mercury’s slippers

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 13:15

Here's a topical one:-

Snow White calls a Pow Wow with the Seven Dwarves.

Snow White Announcesto the Dwarves , "Because of the Pandemic Covid 19, I want you to all stay at home in your shared cottage and stay safe......…...…...…….except of course for you Sneezy...……….. You can F..k Off !!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 03 Apr 2020, 16:19

Well done Mott's it's got better on here after your rant. Lol

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 03 Apr 2020, 16:20

Sorry meant Notts.

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 17:10

I found out today that all this self isolation is staring to get to my wife !

Mid Afternoon today, She asked me if I wanted something to eat.

I asked her "What are the Choices"

She said "Either Yes or F.ck.ng NO !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 17:11

I found out today that all this self isolation is starting to get to my wife !

Mid Afternoon today, She asked me if I wanted something to eat.

I asked her "What are the Choices"

She said "Either Yes or F.ck.ng NO !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 17:19

The teacher was explaining what Covid 19 was and asked the class if they could form a sentence with the word "Contagious" in it.

Little Jimmy at the back of the class raised his hand and the teacher said "Yes Jimmy what is your sentence"

Little Jimmy comes back and said "Our next door neighbour has started to paint his house with a 2 inch wide brush ……..it will take the Contagious" !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by lurcher » 03 Apr 2020, 18:56

so quasimodo and esmerelda are sitting by the fire and esmerelda notices quasi is very quiet so she asks what is bothering him.
he says to esmerelda "am i really the ugliest man in the world"?
to which esmerelda replies " i can not possibly answer that quasi as i have not seen all the men in the world but if you go upstairs the magic mirror will give you your answer."
so quasi trots upstairs and looks in the magic mirror and asks "magic mirror am i truly the ugliest man in the world"?
5 minutes later he is sitting next to the fire scratching his head and looking puzzled.
"well" asks esmerelda, to which quasi replies "who the f*+ks jamie jones buchanan."
jo brand is eddie warings love child

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 04 Apr 2020, 07:49

Two nuns in there car and the devil lands on there bonnet ''Quick quick show him your cross '' says the first nun
Get the f... off my bonnet hoof hands says the second
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 04 Apr 2020, 08:35

Family going on holiday to Florida. Board their flight and get on their way. 4 hours into the flight the captain announced that there would be a 2 hour delay due to losing power in no 4 engine. 30 minutes later he announced there would be a 4 hour delay due to losing power in No 3 engine. An hour later he announced there would be a 6 hour delay due to losing power in No 2 engine. The man looked at his wife and said if we lose power to No 1 engine we'll be up here all night.

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 04 Apr 2020, 13:56

I went to see my doctor the other day and he asked me to provide a stool sample.

So I've enrolled on a basic woodworking course !!

He looked a bit concerned when I told him it might take a couple of months to produce !!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 04 Apr 2020, 16:52

Here's another topical one that may upset Notts Tiger from a PC perspective !!!!!

Question:- Why are the Chinese so bad at Cricket ???

Answer:- Because they eat all the F.ck.ng Bats !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 04 Apr 2020, 17:41

Here's a decent one:-

Four Friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party.

After several drinks one of the men had to use the bathroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy, he started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's President of the Company. He has become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday"

The second guy said, "That's great, My son is also my pride and joy. He started to work for a major airline and learned to become a Pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He's now so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday"

The third guy said, "Well that's terrific. My son has also done well and studied in the best Uni and became an engineer, started his own company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave his best friend a very nice birthday gift which is a 30,000 square metre mansion"

The three guys congratulated each other just as the fourth man returned from the bathroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for" ?

One of the three guys said, we are just congratulating our selves on the success our sons have achieved - What about your son" ?

The fourth guy said, " My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a Male Stripper at a Gay Night Club"

The three friends said, "What a shame and must be a bit of a disappointment to you"

The fourth man replied," No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I Love him and he hasn't done too bad either. His Birthday was 3 weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square metre Mansion, a Brand New Jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 Boyfriends" !!!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 05 Apr 2020, 07:53

Lol love it Vastus. Keep me coming.

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 05 Apr 2020, 07:53

Sorry Casrus.key pad cracking up.

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 05 Apr 2020, 07:55

Keep em coming. Lol

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 06 Apr 2020, 11:31

Well I've just done a full check around the house while the lockdown is on:-

The Cooker - That's working

The Vacuum Cleaner - That's working

The Washing machine - That's working

The Dryer - That's Working

The Kitchen Sink Taps - They are Working Also

I don't know what she means and which I can't understand as to why she says she is F..king Bored !!!!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 06 Apr 2020, 11:39

My wife hasn't been a good cook since I said to her that with all the cookery programs she has been watching on the TV during this lockdown she could at least know how to cook !!

After thinking about that, she finally came back at me and said:-

"Yeah Well - with all the Porno sites You've been watching on the laptop during the Lockdown you should finally know how to F.ck" !!!

1-0 to the Wife !!!!!

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