Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

General Chit-Chat is in here... New Members are invited to pop in and say hello!
tigerfeat
Super League Player
Super League Player
Posts: 14602
Joined: 23 Jun 2014, 12:07
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 03 Apr 2020, 07:46

A police van collided with a cement mixer near Armley this morning
The police are still looking for 8 hardened criminals
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

casjunction
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1883
Joined: 22 Jun 2012, 16:48
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by casjunction » 03 Apr 2020, 08:10

They'll only get a conviction if there is any concrete evidence.!

hazzy
New member
Posts: 30
Joined: 19 Feb 2019, 16:32
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by hazzy » 03 Apr 2020, 10:43

A woman has a dog (a Schnauzer) it couldn't hear very well, so she took it to the vets, who cleared it's ears out and told the woman to go to the chemist and ask for some "Nair" hair remover, so off she went to the chemist, and asked for some "Nair", chemist says, if your going to use it under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days, the woman said, I'm not using it under my arms, chemist said well if your going to use it on your legs don't use body lotion for a few days, she said I'm not using it on my legs, if you must know I'm using it on my "Schnauzer",,,, chemist said in that case don't ride your bike for at least a week.
Hope that hasn't upset you Notts :-"

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 11:50

Here's an old Bernard Manning joke just to upset Notts Tiger and also show how good he was:-

An Englishman, Irishman, Scottish man and an Irishman are captured by the Iraqis in the Gulf War and the Iraqis inform them they are all going to be shot but they can have one last request.

The Welshman says he would like one thousand Welshmen singing to him "Land of My Fathers"

The Scottish man says he would like one thousand Pipers playing "Flower of Scotland"

The Irishman says he wants one thousand Irish Men performing the River Dance

Then the ask the Englishman "What is your Last Request" upon which he says "Pleeeaase …….. Shoot Me First"

Now that's not as bad as what you may have been expecting !!!!!

User avatar
Flat Capper
Grand Final Winner
Grand Final Winner
Posts: 15173
Joined: 06 Jul 2006, 00:10
Location: Where ever I lay my fat
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 03 Apr 2020, 12:02

I was in Asda shopping with the wife when I picked up 24 cans of Stella and put em in trolley.

Wife starts, "what you doing, we can't afford them!".

I politely advised her they were on special offer, £10 for e 24 cans.

"Put them back" she ordered.

Two aisles later, in the beauty section she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and I ask the same question, "what you, we can't afford that?"

She meekly comes back with, "it makes my face look beautiful"

"So does 24 cans of Stella" I said, "and they're only half the price!"
Image
Spreading the Cas gene pool

tigerfeat
Super League Player
Super League Player
Posts: 14602
Joined: 23 Jun 2014, 12:07
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 03 Apr 2020, 12:11

Another Bernard Manning one...
Quasimodo was running down the street with 12 kids chasing after him ...Ffs how many times do I have to tell you I've not got your football
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 13:04

tigerfeat wrote: 03 Apr 2020, 12:11 Another Bernard Manning one...
Quasimodo was running down the street with 12 kids chasing after him ...Ffs how many times do I have to tell you I've not got your football
Watch out Tiger Feat - Notts Tiger might pull you for not being politically correct in taking the Mick out of humpbacks !!!

Scoopage
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1655
Joined: 10 Nov 2016, 14:33
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Scoopage » 03 Apr 2020, 13:08

What’s pink and fluffy and not moved for 29 years?

Freddie Mercury’s slippers

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 13:15

Here's a topical one:-

Snow White calls a Pow Wow with the Seven Dwarves.

Snow White Announcesto the Dwarves , "Because of the Pandemic Covid 19, I want you to all stay at home in your shared cottage and stay safe......…...…...…….except of course for you Sneezy...……….. You can F..k Off !!!!!

Piquad1
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1967
Joined: 18 May 2019, 11:07

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 03 Apr 2020, 16:19

Well done Mott's it's got better on here after your rant. Lol

Piquad1
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1967
Joined: 18 May 2019, 11:07

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 03 Apr 2020, 16:20

Sorry meant Notts.

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 17:10

I found out today that all this self isolation is staring to get to my wife !

Mid Afternoon today, She asked me if I wanted something to eat.

I asked her "What are the Choices"

She said "Either Yes or F.ck.ng NO !!!!

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 17:11

I found out today that all this self isolation is starting to get to my wife !

Mid Afternoon today, She asked me if I wanted something to eat.

I asked her "What are the Choices"

She said "Either Yes or F.ck.ng NO !!!!

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 17:19

The teacher was explaining what Covid 19 was and asked the class if they could form a sentence with the word "Contagious" in it.

Little Jimmy at the back of the class raised his hand and the teacher said "Yes Jimmy what is your sentence"

Little Jimmy comes back and said "Our next door neighbour has started to paint his house with a 2 inch wide brush ……..it will take the Contagious" !!!!

User avatar
lurcher
Verified
Super League Player
Super League Player
Posts: 10676
Joined: 19 Aug 2010, 23:25
Location: bridlington
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by lurcher » 03 Apr 2020, 18:56

so quasimodo and esmerelda are sitting by the fire and esmerelda notices quasi is very quiet so she asks what is bothering him.
he says to esmerelda "am i really the ugliest man in the world"?
to which esmerelda replies " i can not possibly answer that quasi as i have not seen all the men in the world but if you go upstairs the magic mirror will give you your answer."
so quasi trots upstairs and looks in the magic mirror and asks "magic mirror am i truly the ugliest man in the world"?
5 minutes later he is sitting next to the fire scratching his head and looking puzzled.
"well" asks esmerelda, to which quasi replies "who the f*+ks jamie jones buchanan."
jo brand is eddie warings love child

tigerfeat
Super League Player
Super League Player
Posts: 14602
Joined: 23 Jun 2014, 12:07
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 04 Apr 2020, 07:49

Two nuns in there car and the devil lands on there bonnet ''Quick quick show him your cross '' says the first nun
Get the f... off my bonnet hoof hands says the second
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

Piquad1
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1967
Joined: 18 May 2019, 11:07

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 04 Apr 2020, 08:35

Family going on holiday to Florida. Board their flight and get on their way. 4 hours into the flight the captain announced that there would be a 2 hour delay due to losing power in no 4 engine. 30 minutes later he announced there would be a 4 hour delay due to losing power in No 3 engine. An hour later he announced there would be a 6 hour delay due to losing power in No 2 engine. The man looked at his wife and said if we lose power to No 1 engine we'll be up here all night.

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 04 Apr 2020, 13:56

I went to see my doctor the other day and he asked me to provide a stool sample.

So I've enrolled on a basic woodworking course !!

He looked a bit concerned when I told him it might take a couple of months to produce !!

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 04 Apr 2020, 16:52

Here's another topical one that may upset Notts Tiger from a PC perspective !!!!!

Question:- Why are the Chinese so bad at Cricket ???

Answer:- Because they eat all the F.ck.ng Bats !!!!

CasRus
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 1239
Joined: 13 Dec 2016, 18:28
Contact:

Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 04 Apr 2020, 17:41

Here's a decent one:-

Four Friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party.

After several drinks one of the men had to use the bathroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy, he started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's President of the Company. He has become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday"

The second guy said, "That's great, My son is also my pride and joy. He started to work for a major airline and learned to become a Pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He's now so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday"

The third guy said, "Well that's terrific. My son has also done well and studied in the best Uni and became an engineer, started his own company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave his best friend a very nice birthday gift which is a 30,000 square metre mansion"

The three guys congratulated each other just as the fourth man returned from the bathroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for" ?

One of the three guys said, we are just congratulating our selves on the success our sons have achieved - What about your son" ?

The fourth guy said, " My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a Male Stripper at a Gay Night Club"

The three friends said, "What a shame and must be a bit of a disappointment to you"

The fourth man replied," No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I Love him and he hasn't done too bad either. His Birthday was 3 weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square metre Mansion, a Brand New Jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 Boyfriends" !!!!!!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests