Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

[tigerfeat]

Two nuns in there car and the devil lands on there bonnet ''Quick quick show him your cross '' says the first nun
Get the f... off my bonnet hoof hands says the second

[Piquad1]

Family going on holiday to Florida. Board their flight and get on their way. 4 hours into the flight the captain announced that there would be a 2 hour delay due to losing power in no 4 engine. 30 minutes later he announced there would be a 4 hour delay due to losing power in No 3 engine. An hour later he announced there would be a 6 hour delay due to losing power in No 2 engine. The man looked at his wife and said if we lose power to No 1 engine we'll be up here all night.

[CasRus]

I went to see my doctor the other day and he asked me to provide a stool sample.

So I've enrolled on a basic woodworking course !!

He looked a bit concerned when I told him it might take a couple of months to produce !!

[CasRus]

Here's another topical one that may upset Notts Tiger from a PC perspective !!!!!

Question:- Why are the Chinese so bad at Cricket ???

Answer:- Because they eat all the F.ck.ng Bats !!!!

[CasRus]

Here's a decent one:-

Four Friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party.

After several drinks one of the men had to use the bathroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy, he started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's President of the Company. He has become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his Birthday"

The second guy said, "That's great, My son is also my pride and joy. He started to work for a major airline and learned to become a Pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He's now so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday"

The third guy said, "Well that's terrific. My son has also done well and studied in the best Uni and became an engineer, started his own company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave his best friend a very nice birthday gift which is a 30,000 square metre mansion"

The three guys congratulated each other just as the fourth man returned from the bathroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for" ?

One of the three guys said, we are just congratulating our selves on the success our sons have achieved - What about your son" ?

The fourth guy said, " My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a Male Stripper at a Gay Night Club"

The three friends said, "What a shame and must be a bit of a disappointment to you"

The fourth man replied," No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I Love him and he hasn't done too bad either. His Birthday was 3 weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square metre Mansion, a Brand New Jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 Boyfriends" !!!!!!

[Piquad1]

Lol love it Vastus. Keep me coming.

[Piquad1]

Sorry Casrus.key pad cracking up.

[Piquad1]

Keep em coming. Lol

[CasRus]

Well I've just done a full check around the house while the lockdown is on:-

The Cooker - That's working

The Vacuum Cleaner - That's working

The Washing machine - That's working

The Dryer - That's Working

The Kitchen Sink Taps - They are Working Also

I don't know what she means and which I can't understand as to why she says she is F..king Bored !!!!!!!

[CasRus]

My wife hasn't been a good cook since I said to her that with all the cookery programs she has been watching on the TV during this lockdown she could at least know how to cook !!

After thinking about that, she finally came back at me and said:-

"Yeah Well - with all the Porno sites You've been watching on the laptop during the Lockdown you should finally know how to F.ck" !!!

1-0 to the Wife !!!!!

[Flat Capper]

An old Bernard Manning one here:

Two women working on adjacent checkouts at Tesco's are discussing men when the older lady says to the younger one., "you can always tell the married men".

Young lass is intregued and asks how.

"I'll show you!" boastly claims the older lady.

Next male customer's shopping comes down the line and consists of 1 tin of soup, 2 meals for one, 1 apple and a tin of beans. The old lass says to him, "your single aren't you?"

The slightly perplexed man responds with, "why do think that, is it because I'm buy single items?"

"No," proclaims the old lass, "it's because you're an ugly c*$%"

[CasRus]

Nail Salons - Closed

Lash Salons - Closed

Hair Salons - Closed

Tanning Salons - Closed

Waxing Salons - Closed

It's about to get UGLY out there Lads, so please stay safe !!!!!!!

[baldtiger]

Went to Fev baths , big mistake all had flat caps an bar of soap in there hand . All squashed into the shallow end !
Didn't want to stand out so joined em .
Ayup said said one of em you dont know where the toilet is do you ,
I said no its me first time here mate but if you just go up the deep end nobody will know .
No chance I tried that last week n nearly drowned .
How come ?
Well I went up the deep end am half way though have a pee when life guard blew his whistle that hard
I nearly fell in !!

[CasRus]

An Englishman, Welshman and a Pakistani congregate in their local maternity ward to pick up their new born sons.

The doctor comes into the waiting room with news that there has been a mix up with the new borns and cannot say with any certainty whose son is whose.

You would expect in this day and age you would expect that the fathers would demand a DNA test to establish paternity, but, this being a joke ! ...……….the 3 men decide to sort it out between them !!

So, the Englishman goes in first (as is his right, but in strict alphabetical order at the very least !!!!), to have the first dibs on what he thinks is his son but emerges with what is clearly even under the trained eye, the Pakistani child !

The Pakistani Father says as much and which the Englishman says, "Look mate, one of those other babies in there is Welsh and I aren't taking any chances !!!!

[CasRus]

Here's another old Bernard Manning joke:-

Bloke walked into a pub with a crocodile and a mallet.

The landlord says you need to take the crocodile out of my pub as you are upsetting my regulars.

The bloke says well this crocodile does tricks and without further ado the bloke opens the crocodile's mouth and slips his dick inside the crocodile's mouth and takes the mallet and hits the crocodile hard on it's head ! The crocodile doesn't flinch with its mouth still wide open.

The landlord and the regulars are amazed and the landlord says "you've got some bottle to do that" !

So the bloke says, "Yeah I told you it was good, does anyone want to try this for £50" ??

This little old woman amongst the regulars steps up and says, "I will try it, but please don't hit me on the F..king head as hard as you hit that Crocodile" !!!!!

[CasRus]

Come on Guys ! I started this topic off to put some of the serious posted topics and current issues on the back burner so I hope you can add some jokes !

Here's one for today:-

Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse are in Marriage Guidance.

The Marriage Guidance Counsellor says to Mickey, "You can't Divorce Mini just because she has Bad Teeth" !

Mickey said, " I didn't say that at all, I said she was F.ck.ng Goofy" !!!

[CasRus]

The only way for a couple to have an "afternoon quickie" in Lockdown with their 8 year old son around was to send him out on the balcony with a mars bar to eat and tell him to take his time eating it and also to shout through any reports on any activity in the street.

So while having their quickie, their son started shouting out reports to them.

"An Ambulance has just gone by"

"The Andersons have just had a delivery from Asda"

"Matty is on his Bike"

"Looks like the Sanders have gone into full lockdown"

"Harrison's mum is telling him off"

After a few seconds, he announced "The Coopers are Shagging"

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed and Dad called out, "How Do You Know That" ?

His son responded, "Jimmy Cooper's on the balcony eating a Mars Bar" !!!!

[Flat Capper]

Women can be confusing.

Earlier the wife said she'd had enough and made me pack my bags and leave. As I was leaving she thought she'd have one final dig, "hope you have a long, slow death!"

I just shook my head, turned around saying, "make your mind up!"

[CasRus]

After all these weeks of Lockdown and you and the wife have finally decided to throw the towel in and she has decided to leave you, make sure her bags are packed and book the taxi for 8pm on a Thursday so it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her !!!!!!

[baldtiger]

Am sat reading a newspaper when the wife smacked over the head with a rolled up magazine !
Whats that for I said , av found a note in your jacket pocket with lusty lulu written on it.
Jesus love that was the name of the horse that won last week , I bought you some flowers out of me winnings remember.
Oh am so sorry !
Few days later she hit me again this time with a frying pan , knocked me out cold !
When I came too I said what was that for .
She says your f****** horse rang ! lol