Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

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Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 01 Apr 2020, 14:13

Bill Clinton attends a Golf Tournament where Tiger Woods is playing.

Bill goes to the toilet and Tiger is already in so Bill parks himself next to Tiger.

He looks at Tiger's enormous weapon and says to Tiger, "Hey Tiger, how did you get your wanger to be so big and thick" ?

Tiger says, "Well Bill, every night I go to the bottom of my bed, and slap my wanger hard on the bedpost 3 times a night and that does the trick" !

So Bill goes home and is in bed with Hilary snoring her head off and in the middle of the night he decides to get out of bed in the darkness and try the Tiger method.

He slaps his wanger hard 3 times on the bedpost and Hilary wakes up and shouts out "Tiger ! is that You" !!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 01 Apr 2020, 14:26

Can I have some condoms please
Yes ok sir that's £4.99
Do you want a bag with them ?
Nah that's ok my partners quite prity really
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 01 Apr 2020, 14:37

Rich American tourist visits Trump Golf Resort in Scotland.

He's in the bar one evening and says to the barman, "I'd like to play a round of golf with someone tomorrow. Do you know anyone who'd fancy it?"

The bar man responds with, "Ya need Jimmy over there, he's always looking for someone to play a round with"

The American goes over and asks Jimmy if he wants a game. Jimmy responds positively say, "I canny get here 'til 9am at the earliest but I could be half hour late". The Yank says fine, see you in the morning.

The following morning Jimmy turns up at 9 with a left-handed set of clubs and the two play a competeative round, with a few side bets.

Back in the 19th hole the American says to Jimmy, " I enjoed that, do you faancy another game tomorrow, perhaps upping the stakes a little?"

Jimmy says "Aye, I'll be here at 9am at the earliest but could be half an hour late"

The following morning Jimmy turns up with a set of rigt-handed clubs and the Yank thinks this is his chance to make a few quid and ups the bets to £50 a hole.

They play another decent round with Jimmy just nicking it and gaining £100.

This puzzled the American so he asks Jimmy, "You came the first day and played well left-handed than today you played even better right-handed, how do you do it?"

Jimmy responds, "Ye see, it all depends on the wee wife. If I wake up and she's laid on her left hand side, I play left-handed. If I wake and she's laid on her right hand side, I play right-handed"

The yank then asks, "what do you do if she's laid on her back?"

"Argh, " says Jimmy, "I'll be half an hour late!"
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by lurcher » 01 Apr 2020, 14:55

the last time i went to blackpool, i went on a donkey.

it took me 3 weeks.
jo brand is eddie warings love child

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by sirocco7 » 01 Apr 2020, 14:58

lurcher wrote: 01 Apr 2020, 14:55 the last time i went to blackpool, i went on a donkey.

it took me 3 weeks.
We went on our bikes, it took around 7 hours

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 01 Apr 2020, 15:09

We are 11 days into self isolation and it's really upsetting me to witness the wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up.

I have even considered letting her in.... but rules are rules !!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 01 Apr 2020, 16:41

Someone asked me what they called Robin Hoods wife. I paused and said. Gweneveer. He said no. I paused and said Maid Marion. He said no. So I said ok then what's her name. He said Trudi Glen. I said never heard of her.cue the song (Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudi Glen.) Lol

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 01 Apr 2020, 18:06

Two old ladies lying on a beach a streaker runs past one of them had a stroke the other couldn't reach
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 01 Apr 2020, 19:57

My Teenage son came home from school the other day and asked for my advice as his teacher asked the class to go away and find an example of the difference between Theory and Reality.

So I said, "I tell you what, go and ask your Mother if she would sleep with the Plumber for One Million Quid" which he did and he came back after asking her and that she said that she would.

So I said, "now go ask your Sister the same question" which he did and came back and said that she would also.

So I said, "Well there you go that's the difference between Theory and Reality, as in Theory we are sitting on Two Million Quid, however in Reality we are living with a Pair of Slappers !!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by lurcher » 01 Apr 2020, 20:15

after 2 weeks of isolation my lurcher has just asked me if i want the radio leaving on while she goes out for a while.
jo brand is eddie warings love child

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 02 Apr 2020, 13:24

A guy is involved in a car accident and wakes up on a trolley in accident and emergency unit cubicle and looks down to discover he has lost his Penis in the accident and is utterly bereft.

The Doctor comes in to the cubicle and consoles him and says to him "Don't worry as you are quite lucky just now as we are the only hospital in the country that does Penile Transplants and we currently have a choice of 3 differing models of Penis available in our fridge. As we are private hospital there is a charge for any of these and the first one we have is the standard English that costs £2,000, we then have a Scottish under the Kilt one available that costs £3,000 and we have the only other one currently available which is the Classical West Indian at £5,000, so it's your choice if you are interested".

The guy, considers this and says to the doctor,"Well, as there is a financial decision to be made, I will have to discuss this with my wife who is in the waiting room just now if you can send her to discuss privately and then I will call you back in once a decision is made"

So the doctor leaves the cubicle, get's his wife to go in and discuss and once she has discussed it with her husband she then leaves and the doctor then goes back in and asks, "Well have you decided on having" and the Guy turns around and says "A New Kitchen" !!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 02 Apr 2020, 14:02

Toronto in June, Lone Ranger in April and I bet Roy Rodgers still has his finger in Trigger!
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 02 Apr 2020, 16:53

Is there ever a thread on here that someone has to take offence. Get F life

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 03 Apr 2020, 00:41

I'm glad this thread was designed to lighten the mood.
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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Piquad1 » 03 Apr 2020, 04:43

I was going to post them but thought Sod it.

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by tigerfeat » 03 Apr 2020, 07:46

A police van collided with a cement mixer near Armley this morning
The police are still looking for 8 hardened criminals
The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have
Vince Lombardi

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by casjunction » 03 Apr 2020, 08:10

They'll only get a conviction if there is any concrete evidence.!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by hazzy » 03 Apr 2020, 10:43

A woman has a dog (a Schnauzer) it couldn't hear very well, so she took it to the vets, who cleared it's ears out and told the woman to go to the chemist and ask for some "Nair" hair remover, so off she went to the chemist, and asked for some "Nair", chemist says, if your going to use it under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days, the woman said, I'm not using it under my arms, chemist said well if your going to use it on your legs don't use body lotion for a few days, she said I'm not using it on my legs, if you must know I'm using it on my "Schnauzer",,,, chemist said in that case don't ride your bike for at least a week.
Hope that hasn't upset you Notts :-"

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by CasRus » 03 Apr 2020, 11:50

Here's an old Bernard Manning joke just to upset Notts Tiger and also show how good he was:-

An Englishman, Irishman, Scottish man and an Irishman are captured by the Iraqis in the Gulf War and the Iraqis inform them they are all going to be shot but they can have one last request.

The Welshman says he would like one thousand Welshmen singing to him "Land of My Fathers"

The Scottish man says he would like one thousand Pipers playing "Flower of Scotland"

The Irishman says he wants one thousand Irish Men performing the River Dance

Then the ask the Englishman "What is your Last Request" upon which he says "Pleeeaase …….. Shoot Me First"

Now that's not as bad as what you may have been expecting !!!!!

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Re: Jokes to Cheer Us Up !

Post by Flat Capper » 03 Apr 2020, 12:02

I was in Asda shopping with the wife when I picked up 24 cans of Stella and put em in trolley.

Wife starts, "what you doing, we can't afford them!".

I politely advised her they were on special offer, £10 for e 24 cans.

"Put them back" she ordered.

Two aisles later, in the beauty section she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and I ask the same question, "what you, we can't afford that?"

She meekly comes back with, "it makes my face look beautiful"

"So does 24 cans of Stella" I said, "and they're only half the price!"
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