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Wicksy
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Post by Wicksy » 24 Apr 2009, 10:58

Danny Boy wrote:Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighbourhood.

One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologising profusely he explained, ''I am blind, and didn't see you there.''

''Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ''because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''

''Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ''Go right ahead.''

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ''MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''

''Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ''May I feel you?''

''Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ''Yuck!'' he said. ''You're cold...and slimy... you must be a Wakey supporter!''
That is so poor . :lol: :lol:
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Post by Danny Boy » 25 Apr 2009, 16:17

If you think that's bad, you're gonna hate this one Wicksy!

....an airline captain was showing a new blonde stewardess the ropes. The route they were flying had a hotel stay in New York. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only two doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Danny Boy

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Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:06

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '[REMOVED] dat. Dis budgie jumping is too [REMOVED]'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'[REMOVED] dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his hengliding!'
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

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Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:08

Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

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Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:13

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Person nel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready..'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center..

No doubt you have spoken to him... I know I have.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:18

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.




On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.




The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.




He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.




As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,




after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.




The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.




Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.




Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.




Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.




As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and




walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.




The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.




The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.




Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.




Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.




He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.




The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs




and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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Post by Wicksy » 30 Apr 2009, 19:02

Four old retired boys are walking down a street in
Cas They turned a corner and see a sign
that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 pence'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that
carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for
you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up
four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll
be 10 pence each, please.' The four men stare at the
bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't
believe their good luck. They pay the 40 pence, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
bartender again saying, 'That's 40 pence, please.' They pay
the 40 pence, but their curiosity is more than they can
stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have
spent less than a pound. Finally one of the men says, 'How
can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for ten pence
a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Glasshoughton ,' the bartender said, and
I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery
for £125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink
costs ten pence......wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help
but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who
didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered
anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at
the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the
bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from
Wakey, They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half
price.'
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Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

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Post by Normy Knight » 01 May 2009, 21:35

Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it
is time I made a confession.



Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years .



The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few
tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'







She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales. . ..



_____________________________________________________________________
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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Post by Casmania » 11 May 2009, 22:49

Plans to make the new TV series CSI in Featherstone have been scrapped after producers discovered no one had any dental records and everyone had the same DNA.
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Post by Wicksy » 14 May 2009, 22:53

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, it
has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.' The priest tells the sinner; 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.' This time the priest asks; 'Who is this
Fannie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's.'

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?' The altar boy replies, .............. --------------



























'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes
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Post by Casmania » 18 May 2009, 20:25

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his son. "I want you to get me a Leeds Rhinos shirt and take me to a match at Headingley before I die". The son was surprised at this as the old man had always supported Cas' all his life, but he agreed to sort it out. Four days later, the Whinos had a home match so, at great expense the son arranged for the bed, the life support and all the monitors to be taken to the South Stand for the big event. The old man, wearing his newly acquired Leeds shirt sat in the bed and dutifully cheered Leeds on while the son watched on amazed. A few days later the old man, doubled up with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the son leaned over and said, "Please dad, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Leeds fan so badly before you died?". In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man smiled and said: "One less @#@?!!!@ Loiner...!"
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Post by Wicksy » 18 May 2009, 21:18

Casmania wrote:An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his son. "I want you to get me a Leeds Rhinos shirt and take me to a match at Headingley before I die". The son was surprised at this as the old man had always supported Cas' all his life, but he agreed to sort it out. Four days later, the Whinos had a home match so, at great expense the son arranged for the bed, the life support and all the monitors to be taken to the South Stand for the big event. The old man, wearing his newly acquired Leeds shirt sat in the bed and dutifully cheered Leeds on while the son watched on amazed. A few days later the old man, doubled up with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the son leaned over and said, "Please dad, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Leeds fan so badly before you died?". In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man smiled and said: "One less @#@?!!!@ Loiner...!"
LOL
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Post by Normy Knight » 25 May 2009, 11:23

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
>
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
> I said, 'Dust.'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
>
> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
> "No," she answered.
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And then the fight started....
>
> ******************************************
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up my
> fishing boat up to my 4x4 and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
> bad all day.
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?"
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I bumped into a car this morning.
>
> So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
> out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
> little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He
> was a DWARF!!!
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
> And then the fight started.....
>
> *****************************************
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
> I bought her a set of scales.
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive...
> so, I took her to a petrol station.
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home.
>
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
> and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
> my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
> she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
> She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have
> gotten disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> a nearby table.
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
> "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
> Nah, she can order for herself."
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
> And then the fight started.....
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

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Post by Danny Boy » 23 Jul 2009, 08:56

Does anyone on here know how to cancel a bid on ebay?

I put in a bid for a Mickey Mouse Outfit and realised that I'm only half an hour from owning Wakey!
Danny Boy

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Post by GThornton » 23 Sep 2009, 17:28

The Potato Family
A potato family is eating dinner.
The eldest daughter says that she has an important announcement:
She's marrying Tater Tot. The family approves, since Tater is rich and high ranking.
Then the 2nd oldest daughter says she has an important announcement:
She's marrying French Fry. French Fry is also rich and high ranking.
Then the youngest daughter says she has an important announcement:
She's marrying Eddie Hemmings.
The family boos, since Eddie Hemmings is just a common-tater.
:D

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Post by GThornton » 23 Sep 2009, 20:24

GYNAECOLOGIST

Grace seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were two pence's in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were five pence's and this morning there were ten pence's!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder..
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the change!!!!!!!!

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Post by C454L1F3 » 21 Jul 2010, 09:30

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
:D :D :D :D

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Post by Danny Boy » 18 Nov 2010, 20:20

News just in....
STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...

The Irish SAS have just stormed Dublin Zoo, they've killed three Gorilla's and released all the Ostriches!
Danny Boy

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Post by Casmania » 03 Jan 2011, 02:20

The family of Wakefield Wildcat supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.
While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Cas Tigers rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Cas tigers supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!" The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." Off goes the little lad, with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Castleford supporter for an hour and already I hate you Wakey [REMOVED]!!!"
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Post by Danny Boy » 31 Jan 2011, 01:01

How did the chimpanzee escape from his cage?

He used a monkey wrench!
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